Monday, April 26, 2004

Why is it that people with handicap parking placards (or stickers, or plates, depending on your area), which should indicate the presence of nothing more significant than a physical disability that limits one's ability to walk (not that such is insignificant, but that it is entirely unrelated to the difficulty that will eventually be pointed out in this sentence, should I manage to quit digressing) drive like they're mentally handicapped, instead?

Inquiring minds want to know.

6:04 PM 0 comments
Sunday, April 25, 2004

Gay Couples Say "I Do!"
On February 13, 2004, sisters Jaclyn and Krystle woke up before dawn. It was still dark when their family drove from their home in Dublin, CA, into nearby San Francisco. That day, Jaclyn, 13, and Krystle, 15, watched as their mothers, Diana and Rudi, got legally married.

Immediately afterward, they got married.

"It's absolutely wrong for society to restrict us from marrying who we want, when we want, regardless of gender, age, or relationship," Jaclyn said.
"Yeah, I love my sister," Krystle chimed in. "Those stupid moralistic Neo-cons want to prevent us from having a beautiful life-long relationship with each other."

It is a well-known fact that all lesbian relationships are perfect, loving, beautiful, and last longer than any heterosexual relationship ever in the history of man. Likewise, every male homosexual relationship is perfectly monogamous and does not engage in anal sex. Heterosexual marriages always end in divorce and are universally infidelitous. Thus, it is this unbiased, central moderate position that anyone who wants to prevent homosexuals from marriage is a jack-booted Nazi thug like John Ashcroft!

From Planned Parenthood's unbiased, ultra-nonjudgmental central-moderate website, Teenwire

9:32 AM 0 comments

The New York Times has been around for a while...
...long enough to pick up some nicknames. One of them is The Paper of Record. Now, don't you get a record for violating the law? What sort of stuff does the NY Times do to get this record?
Oh.

[note to self: promote new slogan for the New York Times: The Paper With a Political Shiv.]

9:07 AM 0 comments
Thursday, April 22, 2004

My friend "Freda Peterson" sent me an exciting spam about how I could make myself even bigger, on the mistaken assumption I have a tiny one. Apparently spammers have that problem a lot, and assume they need to "help" the rest of us with a problem at least some of us don't share.

Here's where I reverse it. What about those who could use a cure for excessive size? Well, the cure is obvious! What follows is the title "Freda" used, followed by a rewrite of the spam "Freda" so helpfully sent out, less the link. I like this version much better than the original...

gradual feasible experiment feel derision admitting handkerchief cockpit hither condensate flail adjective rhodonite sack it'll glow gunther perry atlas arrow dorchester

Hey,

I just wanted to share with you the experiences I've had in the past year.

As some men are familiar with, my wife was never really satisified with my size being so excessive. This caused many problems within our relationship and made her feel very sore.

Well, just like a lot of you out there, I was ready to do anything to make my wife happy.

I tried everything, more careful pumps, reduction excercises, estrogen pills to make me a girly man, but never found anything that actually worked until now. I was talking to a friend which recommended a website that carried a new type of pill which I had never seen before. To my surprise, it actually worked.

Now, i'm not going to lie and say that I am a total pindick, but it was definately a noticable decrease, which has made my life happier and enabled my wife to go down on me safely.

If you're sick and tired of trying penis reduction products that just don't work check this out. The pill compels you to become a spammer, thereby shrinking your member significantly. Possible side effects include a reduction in spelling and grammar skills, the need to switch internet providers regularly, and the scorn of anyone who finds out what you do. In rare cases your dick may disappear entirely, along with your conscience.

2:20 PM 0 comments
Monday, April 19, 2004

So John Kerry is really defensive about his patriotism. I see he's defending his patriotism against charges that haven't been made. The title of that article could easily have been: "Kerry goes insane, news media goes with him".
But you know what? I don't question his patriotism. I don't question the patriotism of any liberal.
I don't question their patriotism in the same way and for the same reasons a farmer whose barn is on fire doesn't question the willingness to help of a neighbor who stands around criticizing people's bucket-brigade techniques: I simply don't have time for nonsense.
By the same token, when the GWOT is largely over due to the courageous leadership of George W. Bush, I trust they won't question why my foot is rammed so far up their [collective] ass that they have athlete's tongue!

6:06 AM 0 comments
Saturday, April 10, 2004

I think much of the problem in the battle between the sexes is that when a man encounters an attractive woman for the first time, the ultimate compliment in his mind is, "She's so fine, I'd do her twice!"...which also happens to be about the biggest possible insult in her view.

4:50 PM 0 comments
Wednesday, April 07, 2004

Dean's adorable wife, Rosemary, relates to us a human-interest story. Which begs the question, I know, are there really very many non-human-interest stories? Don't get me started on the fact that it came from Reuters...I'm really surprised the article didn't discuss "root causes" of Mexican poverty being the US-led invasion of Iraq...

In any case, it seems as if the bulk of her commenters seem to think men wouldn't do the same thing. Posh, I say. I might even go so far as to utter a "piffle!" or two.

Because I can easily see that if men had babies, this sort of thing would be happening all the time.

Granted, the context would be slightly different... Let's drop in the typical home with the expectant father, about 30 minutes before the do-it-yourself Caesarean:

Wife: Are you all packed? Are you ready to go? My goodness, it looks like you are about to pop!
Husband: Just a minute. They just went into overtime. It should be over in about 15 minutes, and I've got $20 on this one. Argh!
Wife: Are you okay? Did you just have a bad contraction?
Husband: No, the Pats just turned it over on their own 40-yard line! What were they doing passing on 2nd down, anyway! Aw, crap, they scored on the runback. Okay, let's go.
Wife: Now, you know the way to the hospital, right?
Husband (starting the car and backing out): Yeah, sure.
Wife: You looked up the route, right?
Husband: Umm, yeah.
Wife: You didn't, did you?
Husband: Uh...no. But they've got signs and stuff, don't they? No problem.

[45 minutes later]

Wife: Honey, you're looking kind of pale. Your contractions are only a few minutes apart. I think you're going to have the baby and the hospital is no where in sight!
Husband: It's gotta --ungh!-- be here somewhere!
Wife: Pull over and ask for directions.
Husband: No! I'll, um, you know, I think...I...might just...need a...C-section. Yeah, that's the ticket. Hey, babe, run into that convenience store and get me a pack of picnic knives and a 6-pack of Budweiser.
Wife: Budweiser!?!?!
Husband: Yeah, you're right. Make it a Coors Light. Hey, get it? You're going into a C-store to get me some tools for a C-section! Ha-ha--ungh!

I figure it would happen just like that, and so often that it wouldn't be in the news anymore. Men would rather slit their own stomach open rather than ask for directions. So, in the end, Mrs. Esmay is correct: It's just as well men don't have the babies.

9:59 PM 0 comments